Jealousy causes sleeplessness.

Something very rare happened to me this morning: I heard some news which made me… not exactly jealous, more envious – I was talking to someone and found out they’d recently shagged someone I’ve lusted after for a very long time.

It’s always interesting when I feel this way, because it happens so rarely. This is perhaps the third time it’s ever happened to me – at least, the third time it’s been related to sex or intimacy.

Once again, it’s caused me to be unable to sleep.

The second most interesting thing about this experience is comparing this feeling to similar feelings: it’s almost identical to the feeling I get when I find out that someone has that latest gadget that I want but haven’t managed to buy yet (it doesn’t help that I have so many friends who work at Apple stores or repair centers – they *always* have the latest gadgets before me). This really does reinforce my belief that people who desire monogamy do so because they want a possession (possibly – often, in fact – to prop up their own poor self-worth)

The most interesting thing is how utterly irrational this feeling is: I realised long ago that actually sleeping with this person could only possibly be a let-down – I’ve hyped the experience in my fantasies so much that the actuality could never live up to it. I’m reliably informed that this particular person is, in fact, everything I could fantasise about and then more – but even so, I derive most of my sexual satisfaction from observing how much the other person is enjoying what I’m doing to them – I barely notice what they’re doing to me, unless I’m paying attention to it in order to figure out what they’d like done to them. The latest news about this person only reinforces what I already knew – as fantastic as this person is, he’s fantastic for other people in ways that just wouldn’t lead to a mutually enjoyable experience with me.

So, intellectually, I know I’m not missing much. It still hurts like buggery though.

On the upside, I may get to take pictures of him in action sometime, and *that* would be very, very satisfactory indeed….

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